For Mother's Day, Dan and the girls bought me a really nice dress from Ann Taylor Loft. A place I love to shop because they have cute clothes that are stylish and age appropriate but not matronly or dowdy. They are also really expensive. Not Nordstrom nice ladies dresses expensive but close, so I don't shop their very often. This story is not actually about the dress but about the fact that my loving husband bought me a size 2. I completely believed that he thought I was a 2...I have lost a bunch of weight on Nutrisystem and he may have not realized that a size 2 is what PerryAnn wears...until a little under the breath comment was made, a comment that I could have easily not heard had my head been turned slightly, a comment that reveals the true motive behind the size 2, though Dan will never admit it. A comment made to Jake and Becca in the bleachers at church, after the service, as we were all filing out...the comment: "I made the mistake a few years ago of buying her work out clothes, a move that did not go over very well" was his comment.
So I decided to throw my husband under the bus and tell you the story entitled What not to do when your wife has just had a baby at 36, has a bit of post pardum depression, a baby that has acid reflux and cries 23 out of 24 hours of the day, works full time and has a husband that travels and newly budding and (in my opinion) consuming "bro-mances " with a men's church group. Enjoy.
For my birthday in September of 2005, 2 1/2 months after Gracie was born, my adoring husband bought me 4 Tae Bo work out DVDs (2 were duplicates), 2 jump ropes (one in beginner and one in advanced...like the rope would know) a yoga outfit in LARGE and the color black and a TV (yes, a television set with DVD and VHS capability so it could be solely dedicated to my workouts alone...God forbid if I would have to share my potential work out time with The Wiggles).
The painfully funny part of the story is that he displayed the "gift" in our bedroom like he was merchandising for Merry Go Round (clothing store he worked for in his early 20's). He placed a chair a few feet from the opening of our bedroom door and had the TV on it with the DVDs fanned out on top, the jump ropes on either side of the TV leaning on their side and the yoga outfit in LARGE folded nicely in front of the TV, also on the chair. Then he left it there for me to find when I walked into the room.
Cue my walking into the room, tired, ugly and fat with baby throw up on both of my shoulders and in my hair, poop under my nails, not showered that day and a smell that just was not sexy. I look at the "gift" and immediately think my husband must be trying to tell me something.
What I heard was "YOUR FAT, LOSE WEIGHT".
I know that what he was actually saying was "I love you, you are beautiful to me no matter what but you have been crying over how much weight you have gained so as the problem solver in this house, I have set you up for weight loss success by buying you a vast selection of Tae Bo DVDs that I know you like because you have mentioned it and a television so you can work out in the privacy of our bedroom and I got you a couple of jump ropes in various levels since I know you may need to jump to advanced right away and I got you a large yoga outfit since they are generally a little on the tighter side and I know you are uncomfortable right now in clothes that feel tight".
But again, what I heard was "YOUR FAT, LOSE WEIGHT".
I left the stuff in the middle of the floor for I think 2 or 3 weeks. I never touched it. (I know I was the ungrateful jerk) He even asked me if I saw my gift and I did not blast him right then because I was thankful that he bought me something and I did not want to be a jerk so I said ...yeeaahh...thhhanks. Oh, but he got it later. At the first moment of distress I laid into him with "You think I'm fat...blah, blah, blah. You don't buy a woman size Large...blah, blah, blah. I know, Poor Dan. I still have never worn the outfit, initially out of protest but now it doesn't fit. I did use the DVD's but never when Dan was home so he would not feel victorious (I know...I'm a jerk) and the TV has been used for more than workouts. The jump ropes were used once (but what goes up must come down and it was not pretty) so Gracie attaches them to her toys and drag them around the house.
So the size 2 dress did not fit and we went back to Ann Taylor to grab the dress in a size that did fit so I could wear it on Mother's Day. They did not have it in my actual size so I tried on a bunch of other dresses that did fit and Dan ended up buying me 3 dresses instead of the 1. What a great guy, Huh?
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